What's your mantra?

I have a confession.  I have 11 mantras and they are as follows:

My gifts
YS
CH
Dead
STOP
Hope leads
Silence is power
3 30 rules
Day One
Aftermath
I'm a ballerina

Some are used more often than others.  They represent different needs in my life.  The acronyms are personal meanings that I hope will encourage me to reflect on my "keeping my soul in check".  Some, such as "Dead", are shorter versions of longer sentences.  I think you get the point.

But how did this all come about?

Last fall I began seeing a therapist.  I was experiencing an extremely difficult year and I needed to release my frustrations.  It's been incredibly helpful thus far.  I have been inspired to dig into my soul, make self discoveries, and recall childhood memories.  Shortly after the visits began, I discovered other things that needed my attention in my life and the timing of everything slowly came together.

One of the things my therapist suggested for me was to come up with a mantra.  One that would inspire me to trade my negative mindsets in for positive ones.  It could be my own form of expression and I should repeat it to myself when the need for its creation arose.

As time went on, I realized I couldn't just have one.  There's one for when I feel my anger start to boil and one for when I forget my accomplishments - they are different pains that require different remedies, i.e. unique mantras.  In fact, just the other day, I used "Silence is power" for the first time and I was amazed at how calm I remained while the storm took its course.

Once it passed, it felt good to know I endured the situation.  I didn't let my emotions get the best of me and that's the beginning of building strong habits that enforce me to stay focused on taking care of me.

The best part about having mantras, is it's free and unique to each and every one who so desires to reap its healing properties.

It brings me to a quote a good manager once told me, "Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of intelligence".  I used to think that if I needed to see a therapist that meant I was crazy or incapable of keeping my emotions in check.  But we're all human and it's o.k. to care a little more about your feelings; if I need exercises that will keep my soul aligned then I am not ashamed to admit it.

So go ahead, create your own mantra.  It doesn't have to be poetic or rocket science.  Use an acronym if you want no one to know what it means, but do yourself a favor and create one for your soul bank.  Trust me, it'll thank you and you may end up with just as many as me.

Have you made your bed today?

Welcome back, to my blog.  It's been a while - seven months to be exact.  My absence is due to a multitude of reasons, but I'm ready to return with short stories and insights to daily adventures, life lessons and surprise dealings.  My first blog post for 2015 was born of an unfortunate exchange of words that left me wounded and perplexed about the constant occurrence of losing friendships over unbalanced expectations.  I'm still in shock, yet I'm learning more everyday as to why it is more important than ever to make sure the first thing I do when I wake up in the morning is make my bed.

Photo credit:  Crane & Canopy

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I have daily discussions with my eleven year old son about why it is important to make your own bed.  Possibly more stubborn than my mother, he is relentlessly confused as to why the task must be facilitated. It may be the millionth time we've discussed this, yet I still laugh and enjoy these moments of debate.  I, on the other hand, lavishly welcome the thought of straightening my bed immediately after I wake. Everything about it must be perfect - the sides are even, the bed is leveled and the duvet looks calm and pressed.  When it comes to putting on new sheets, my husband and I often have contests on who could put the pillow cases on the fastest.  These moments make me happy and feel safe. Sometimes I forget how that feels -- the little things that mean the most.

As I approach the anniversary of the last time I spoke with my best friend, I reflect on how much I've changed.  Learning not to have a best friend is difficult because I literally could have called her at any whim's moment and I do believe that to be a strong descriptor of best friends.  Realistically though, when a line is crossed for me, I can't turn back.  It's harder. There's a certain distinction about the type of sadness you experience when someone you trust and care for is the responsible for this feeling.  It affects everything about you because a friend is someone you choose; accepting misjudgement brings about self blame and the equation of these emotions make it much harder to trust again.

That was three years ago.  These days, it's easier not to care.  That's the scary thing.  I've been hurt so many times that I just do whatever I can to fill in the holes.  I strive for staying focused.  I don't have time to waste on those who don't give a shit about me.  I am my own guard.  I am responsible for protecting my soul.  A big and important job considering it controls every function I have been bestowed with.  I want to savor these gifts.  I have the ability to feel because I'm alive and truthfully, even when I'm hurting or feeling let down, I am thankful that I can feel an array of emotions.  This enables me to express my stories through artistic forms.  I choose writing because it paints a unique picture in each reader's mind - making it his/her story.

So why make your bed?  Because that's where your day begins.  It's the first thing you do and when you return to sleep, it's a reminder that you can count on yourself to make it right, be strong and start over.  It's proof that you can stay focused and loyal to your daily regimen. It shows consistency can triumph over disappointments that we have no control over.  It's the little things, remember, that make everything worth it - that mean the most. So make your bed and make it good.  You'll set the pace for strength regardless of the cards you're dealt; and after a long day there's no better feeling than returning to a bed that's comfortably made and ready to take you in.

Once a tree

The stump was gone
What once laid in its place, held glory
for quite some time
Flourishing in the spring; its grand entrance
branching out from its wings
Showing off colors missing from previous months' season
Green, in its prime hour
The new always looks so pretty
Climates shift; breezes anew
We stumble across the hues of gold and red
It is warming and a mesmerizing display of a growth spurt
But last year marked its death
No longer did the view from my bench give me continual immense pleasure
as the previous years had gifted me
I knew the tree had passed
In its dormant progression, at a time I had not been watching
I arrived home one day, saddened that my neighbor did not waste any time in its removal
The produced stump caused me to capture its final existence
Then it was no more

November 10, 2014

2:27 p.m.

The special touch of Don Melchor

Recently I had the most amazing opportunity to taste through the seven parcels that exist in Don Melchor's esteemed Puente Alto vineyard in Chile's Central Valley Region in upper Maipo Valley.  The guest of honor was Enrique Tirado, sole winemaker and technical director for Concha y Toro.  Enrique, a reserved yet sincere figure, spoke with us regarding the winery, its terrior and the distinctions of the seven parcels that eventually will become the blend for the 2013 vintage, release date of Fall 2016.  Shortly thereafter, he blended the parcels and we tasted the special blend that was equally approachable as the 2010 vintage that will be released next month.

The beauty of this event was the unique experience of tasting each parcel individually, followed by its final 2013 vintage blend.  The varietals spoke differently to me as a result. I had gotten to know them first as a single player, then met them together as a team.  It was truly incredible.

Seven parcels of 2013 vintage.

Parcel 1 - Cabernet Sauvignon:  22%

This had an oxidized nose upfront that was quickly muted with a bowl of cranberries/red currants, bell pepper, bitter chocolate and nutmeg.  I liked the mouth feel the most -- it lingered for a while.

Parcel 2 - Cabernet Sauvignon:  4%

Interesting nose of potpourri, black currants, tomato leaf, clove, stony and dark chocolate pieces.  Tart fruit with a menthol finish.  It opened up after sitting in its glass, an imperative deed if consumed on its own.

Parcel 3 - Cabernet Franc (25 year old vines):  13%

Us wine snobs will contest that Cabernet Franc doesn't get as much attention as it so deserves.  This is quite true with this parcel.  The structure resembled one of a black tea's tannin profile.  The black berries, brown spice and clay participants are complementary. This is a wine I'd drink on its own with some age on it.

Parcel 4 - Cabernet Sauvignon:  17%

Mint, pine tree, stony and baking spice notes cascaded along the nose and palate. However, dried roses were the surprise in the wine for me.  The structure has potential, and in a very good way.

Parcel 5 - Cabernet Sauvignon:  20%

I fell in love with the sweet nose of ripe black berries, raspberries and currants - a wine that held a lot of confidence in every element.  Wet stones and its constant overturning of notes won me over.

Parcel 6 - Cabernet Sauvignon:  17%

Deep and full wine carrying a bit of each previous wine's characteristics, definitely needs to breathe in its glass.

Parcel 7 - Cabernet Sauvignon:  7%

As if Merlot had bitten its skin, this wine was jammy and inviting.  Almost euphoric, as my notes read.  Wow.  Wish I had a glass of it now.

Blend of 2013 parcels, to be released 2016

The wine was an elegant example of each child's strong features.  The balance of the parcels blended drank beautifully.  I could only imagine its ability to please upon its release in two years.  I must make a note to purchase its offering and compare my notes.

Additional notes:

The Don Melchor wines are aged in French oak barrels (mostly new) for 12-15 mos, with an additional one year in the bottle.  The Puente Alto vineyard sits at the foot of the Andes Mountains, on the northern side of the Maipo river basin and 2100 feet (650 meters) above sea level.  There are 127 hectares in total, in addition, Enrique grows Petit Verdot, planted in 2008 and Merlot, planted in 2006.  His favorite vintages of Don Melchor are 2010, 2008 and 2001.  He has a twin brother who produces Sauvignon Blanc and red blends under his own private label.  Don Melchor means Sir Mentor, the name referencing the namesake who began the winery in 1883, Concha y Toro.

In conclusion, I really like Chilean Cabernets.  For someone who doesn't drink red often, I was surprised that I had repeated after thoughts about wanting to drink Cabernet Sauvignon for several nights.  Only problem was:  I wanted the 2008 Don Melchor and I didn't have a bottle to open.

untold story

Thus far, 2014 has been quite a life-changing year.  To start, I made big plans.  Set goals in motion, took on another opportunity and learned a different side of the industry.  I built endurance, speed and knowledge.  I signed up for an exam that I rescheduled once and was committed to studying every freaking minute I had.  On top of this, one goal -- to move out of the state -- forced me to finally get my house into shape in preparation to sell.  That is, until I decided to commit more time to the exam.  Neglected, my house grew chaotic.  I realized the truths behind having a middle school child, my first born.  This was emotionally the hardest - learning to let go, trusting my gut instincts, and being more firm than I've ever been took a toll on me.  I struggled with decisions and as a result of letting my guard down - I had the worse experience yet of 2014.  Even worse than realizing I didn't pass my certified exam.  And that broke my heart bad.

Trust is a funny thing.  You need it to survive, but it messes with you.  I think "to trust" is a sacred act.  I've tried to loosen the trust strings while standing on guard when dealing with an unfamiliar environment, but I strongly believe in giving those the benefit of the doubt until they've done you wrong.  Of course if and when that happens, it sinks deep and you get angry with yourself because you didn't put your guard up more.  You trusted them and they stabbed you in the back.  I don't take being accused of something that is the absolute false, lightly.  You can't destroy me with your words because I stood up for myself.  Of this, I'm proud.  And I'm more than happy now that I am reserving my talents for those that deserve it.

It is also funny how you really learn who your friends are when swimming through troubled times.  It doesn't exist if it's one sided.  Hey that's cool, I can take a hint.  Probably why Twitter is a safe bet cause it's non-committal and I don't have to wonder if you're going to respond to my text cause I don't care anymore.

I also learned that people with power are the most self-centered people I've ever met and that it's unfortunate that success has come at the price of being cold yet never realizing that your happiness will never be fulfilled until you realize how to put yourself in the other person's shoes.

Finally, I learned the only person in the world who truly knows you for who you are and will always be there until the end, is yourself.  Once I accepted this fact, I began to find peace in my journey.

This is why I write.  It's my deepest form of therapy.  In fact, for many years I kept journals that helped me survive all the stages of my life.  I am learning to be content with the little things.  I confess that, prior to my revelation, technology had encouraged me to succumb to the immediate need for everything.  But now, now I really crave a simple, yet deeper life. One that wastes no time on negativity, lost souls, one sided friends, and employers that don't acknowledge your contributions and strengths.  I am urging you, whomever reads this, to reflect on you and who you are inside - there is an untold story in you and those who are worthy - should hear it.  They exist.  You know deep down who they may be and you know who they definitely are not.

In honor of a great writer who recently passed, Maya Angelou, I leave you with this inspiring quote.  I know I am not perfect, but I refuse to surrender to the negative influences that attempt to pull me away from the simple, yet profound life rule I really believe in.  To be polite and respectful.  And if you don't receive it in return, turn your cheek away.  Don't expend your energy on the unworthy.

Introducing Sacy

I prefer to look at genuineness as showing real expression, whether agreeable to those around you or not.  I believe it to be honest in a sense of accountability.  In other words, owning up to whatever you put forth.

Loire Valley is a region within France that both illuminates and surprises me every time I brush up on the diverse appellations it showcases.  The Loire river is responsible for keeping the temperatures as nature intended, a few degrees warmer based on individual macro climates along the stretch that begins on the east side from the land of Massif Central, all the way west to the Atlantic coast.  At this time you may be wondering how the word "genuineness" comes into play here, alas, it has most to do with it.  It is because I believe if there's one word that had to be reserved to forever describe the fondness I have with Loire Valley, it would be genuineness.

What I have come to appreciate most of Loire Valley is the ability to offer every type of wine category.  It has sparkling, and tons of it.  After Champagne, it produces the most sparkling wines in all of France.  It produces aromatic textured whites from Melon de Bourgogne aka Muscadet and the dominate white varietal responsible for the famed Vourvay and botrytis-like wines and finally, the notable wines of Sancerre and Pouilly-Fumé which highlight Sauvignon Blanc in its finest mineral hour.  That is only to discuss the whites of Loire Valley.  But there's also lesser known varietals...

Sacy, the white varietal indigenous to the appealing wines of Saint-Pourçain AOP is known as Tressallier in the Auvergne region of Central France, located southeast of the Central region within Loire Valley.  Oddly enough, the dominant variety title in the encépagement belongs to the international grape Chardonnay, with an option of ten percent Sauvignon Blanc.  Some have compared Tressallier/Sacy to Viognier, yet I beg to defer.  I see a resemblance in the texture and structure profile of Pinot Blanc.  I bought the Domaine Nebout Saint-Pourçain 2009 last Spring.  I remember trying it back in 2011 and I wanted to revisit its progression.  What I witnessed in its first try was a mineral focused, funky and vague apricot nose that left me stumped.  The palate was developing and it hadn't won me over, yet.  When I took my second taste I decided that it would be more enjoyable five degrees warmer.

I suspect this wine style is enjoyed on a daily basis, but I chose to wait another year before indulging the bottle below for the second time.

100 percent Tressallier 

It matured really nicely, at five years vintage.  The nose subdued on the mineral front, retaining its funky tone with a pale golden hue.  There existed soft white flowers, caramelized lemon rind, dried fruit leather of apricot flesh and subtly wet pebbles.  I was in awe and bummed at the same time because I had opened the bottle I had no more chances of buying in this vintage.

But that's what it's about.  We must live for today.  What better region to sink your teeth into than Loire Valley.  It's real, it doesn't pretend.  And it most definitely lives up to genuineness.

Distraction: friend or foe

When I was in college, I had the keen ability to focus on my studies like it was nobody's business.  I was in school and worked full time.  I had no social life and was too busy to care of its stance lacking in my life.  No regrets ever surfaced and I was completely fulfilled when I graduated.

Since then, my life has multiplied in layers.  Not only do I maintain a full time work schedule, but being a mother of two is a full time and a half gig on its own.  It's the best job I've ever held but it comes with an expense and I am not only referring to the monetary kind.  I confess to being a worrier and I am constantly thinking of their well being 24-7.  I don't have days off and it will be a position I will hold honorably until I pass.  Even still, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

Yet in the midst of my crazed life, I often forget to chill out.  I envy those who find time to read a book in its entirety and practice yoga four times a week as I once did not too long ago.  I definitely contest that one is responsible for his/her own actions and in this case I have myself to blame.

So why the blog title?

I recently had a distraction.  Call it what you wish, but an incident that caused me to slow down and take softer breaths.  I am usually not a fan of distractions as I believe in being focused at all times, but having experienced "a time of reflection", I am thankful.  It reminded me that I am not merely defined by my being my mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a service professional, a friend, etc., but by Linda:  the individual I am that came to be through my life experiences.  I don't want to forget her because then I would be neglecting the dire importance of keeping her soul intact.

So I will search within, each day going forward.  I will pick up that book I've been etching to read, follow the recipe of rose water shortbread cookies, study the grand crus of Burgundy, and forget about the laundry so I could have quality time with my children.

My soul will thank me and as a result I'll probably smile more often.  This in turn will spread the cheer as I do believe smiling is contagious.  Thank you distraction, for this awakening. You've proven to be a friend.  A true one at that.  You're invited to come back at anytime.

Fall back

It is that time of year.  When the leaves begin to change color and we remember why fall is so mesmerizing.  The colors we encounter during the seasons' change are those that are warm and inviting.  Inviting you to sit back and chill.  Daylight savings time is this weekend and we will all gain one more glorious hour and basque in its sweet render.  Just try to avoid thinking about the fact that the days are shorter as the night turns deep blue an hour earlier.

Fall back.  The term itself has caused me to reflect on the year.  The decisions I've made, the cheers and the disappointments, realizations, and the big one:  me.  I changed a lot this year.  And it's for the good cause it's forced me to put everything in perspective.  It's made it possible for me to preserve what is true, conserve things that can be fixed and convert anger into positive energy.  It took me a long time to realize that I can't save the world, but I can make a difference by serving as an advocate for harmony.

It's that simple.  When our competitive nature becomes fierce then we lose sight of harmony.  The need to have more, to be better than others, to succeed big.  It's not to say that we must give up striving for happiness or being successful in the workplace.  The need to survive is dire.  It's become a dog eat dog world.  As a result, sometimes our blinders get in the way of considering the whole picture.  Where did the simple childhood dreams that consisted of being content and among warmth and comfort go?

It is with great sadness that I admit I exist within the last generation before the internet, cell phones and social media/networking boom arrived full force.  When I witness what children these days are exposed to, I think it's a shame.  We need to work harder to save them.  We need to show them how to be real people and connect how we once did on a regular basis.  How to hear a live voice more often than read texts.  To send letters rather than emails.  The feeling of anticipation and excitement from waiting to hear a loved one's voicemail after returning from a long day's of work.  To be patient.  To truly understand the meaning of this and realize that this world of immediate access to everything is actually more stimulating than we need and not for the greater good.

To fall back to a time when people sat in their backyards and chatted with each other without the interruption or distraction of the internet, cell phones and social media apps. And we actually get to know each other.  And there is harmony.  I want this back.

Make simplicity the norm.  Fall back.

Vitamin D, the next level

I woke up much earlier than I preferred because the sun was shining so strongly through my window this morning.  It enticed me to venture outside, sit on my side steps and take in its rays when most gentle.

In my age, I have been super cautious about wearing sun screen.  I curse myself often for never having done the same when I was younger and tanning was the latest craze.  Skin cancer scares me, as any other cancer would, but if I am unfortunate to be diagnosed with the former then I know I only have myself to blame.  However, since I knew I was only going to sit out for a bit and to be quite honest, the smell of sunscreen makes me nauseous and because my kids had not woken up yet, I wanted to steal my free time as quickly as I could.

As I let the sun sink into my skin I pondered about my last full physical in January.  My doctor had told me I had a Vitamin D deficiency and she recommended I take a very high dose weekly for about six months.  Wow, really, a Vitamin D deficiency?  How does something like that happen?  Not to fret, I knew she could have told me worse, but my journey thereafter taught me a bit about this glorious necessary element we all need in our lives.

FACTS ABOUT VITAMIN D

• It is a fat soluble vitamin which means it's stored in your body (such as your liver and kidney) and takes much longer to escape than water soluble vitamins (e.g. Vitamins C and B9)
• It is the most useful substance inside your body and beneficial when consumed on a daily basis
• It is measured by International Units, also known as IU
• It ensures strong bone health, preventing bones from becoming brittle, thin and deformed
• It promotes strong, sturdy teeth which in turn creates good mouth hygiene 
• It reduces a greater chance of inflammation
• It promotes calcium in the digestive tract
• It is found in relatively small doses in food sources such as 1 cup of milk (102 IU), fortified rice (81 IU), fortified orange juice (53 IU) and salmon (435 IU) to name a few
• Another well known source of Vitamin D is the sun with skin exposure of 10 to 15 minutes
• The daily recommended Vitamin D dose for people between the ages of 1 - 70 is 600 IU 

When my doctor told me I had a Vitamin D deficiency, she prescribed a weekly dose of 50,000 IU, divided by seven days a week came out to about 7,142 International Units a day. Sounds like a lot, but I was apparently lacking in this department.

These days I soak up the sun when it's around, take a daily dose of 1,000 IU and consume more food sources that contain ample IU of Vitamin D.  I am exercising more, maintaining a healthier diet and drinking an average of 70 ounces of water.  I am feeling much better these days.  I am thankful for my health.  And all it took was learning my Vitamin D levels were dangerously low.  There is good in all things.  I am glad that it made me aware. Hopefully my post sheds some light for you as well.

I always like to part on an inspirational note.  This was born as a result of my learning to listen to what my body needs.  I have even taken it to the next level.  By becoming a better listener overall.

forgetting Sam Marshall...

We all have one Sam, or Sarah that plays us to the core.  That we fell helplessly in love with and who probably never loved us back, at least not the same way we loved them.  Who took advantage of our feelings because we gave them so much, too much...

I got weak at the knees when I first saw Sam from afar.  I knew instantly he was going to mean something to me, I just didn't know what it was at first.  I was young and naive, to say the least.  I wasn't even looking for anyone to like, until he came by and took my world by storm, heavy ones.  I waited anxiously until my work colleague left his side and casually worked up a nerve to introduce myself.  I figured, what did I have to lose.  He was my boss (crazy, I know) and new to the team in a small office job I took up while in my junior year of college.  The good news was I only worked part-time so I didn't see him as much.  I figured this was for the best since chances were, nothing would ever happen while we worked together.  He was a few years older than me, but much more mature than most guys I knew.  We hit it off right away.  He always complimented my work ethics which meant a lot to me.  He had a cute way of letting me know he favored me more than the other girls in the office.  One of my favorite first memories of his flirting with me came when I was making copies in the copy room.  There was a glass partition that separated the room from the cubicles, he surprised me by tapping on the glass to get my attention, once I turned around, he merely flashed his adorable smile.  I was swooned forever...

Shortly thereafter I left the job because my senior year of college commanded a lot more of my time and I couldn't juggle both work and school.  I lost touch with him and it saddened me deeply.  The last time I saw him was on my last day at work and he asked if I wanted to grab a beer after work.  I was torn beyond belief.  I had already made plans with some of my co-workers and I just couldn't blow them off.  It was a decision I pondered on for months after I left.  I know I did the right thing, but I had always wondered what would have happened if we had that beer...

It would be almost one year later before I'd run into him again.  Ironically enough it was at a bar while we were both on the way out.  He saw me first and called my name.  When I turned around and saw him there, my heart was beating so fast.  We chatted for a bit while our friends stood around wondering who the other person was we were talking to.  We exchanged numbers and planned on meeting for coffee at the end of the week.  That week took forever to pass.  When Friday came, I changed three times before settling on just being casual in my favorite t-shirt and jean shorts.  It was a beautiful early summer day...

It was as if time stood still for us.  At least that's how I felt.  He was easy to talk to, but I always sensed a private side to him.  As if he had been hurt deeply before and could never let go of that memory.  From that day on, we were inseparable.  It was a very deep relationship, in ways I had never experienced before...

The relationship lasted for eight months before he turned distantly cold and removed from me.  He claimed a urgent job opportunity was moving him away, but I never understood what happened between us.  I still wonder about it sometimes.  He was the love that I never forgot and that took possession of my heart like no one else ever did...

I wonder how he is from time to time.  I wonder if he ever feels bad for leaving me so abruptly.  It tore me apart and left me angry.  It was as if there no longer existed a validation of our time together.  Sometimes I think the intensity of our connection scared him and that's why he left. Whatever it was, he broke my heart like no other, so much that forgetting Sam Marshall was something that never came easy to me...

Still, having loved Sam taught me to let go of my fear and that love isn't hopeless.  That trusting in your own emotions does make you vulnerable, but that's how you feel alive. That taking chances with love comes with a new experience that will never be repeated. That in order to make yourself stronger, you have to learn to let go, so the next time you fall in love, you'll be wiser, and you'll understand a true sense of love, as it should exist between two people.  With admiration, passion and true willingness...

Sans social media

Last Christmas my parents got both of my children the Nook reading tablet.  I suggested it mainly for my daughter as she is an avid reader, but according to their old school ways of parenting, they couldn't get one for her and not my son.  Seven months later that reading tablet has turned into a technology friendlier way for them to communicate with their friends through a free texting app called Text Now (they don't own cell phones, yet all of their friends do - sign of suburbia living).

Prior to their acquiring the Nook, my kids would always complain that I spent too much time on my own apps, specifically Twitter and Instagram and would often question who I loved more:  social media or them.  Of course I always answered the latter, but now that they've busied themselves with the lure of apps that are available on their reading tablet, I felt it most important to take this point further by setting an example.  So on June 13, I made a vow to them that I wouldn't access my social media accounts for a month.  To resist the urge to pop in, I even went as far as to delete them from my phone.  Yes folks, I went cold turkey.

At first it felt strange, especially working in the restaurant industry, it's extremely beneficial when you know what's going on in the hospitality world.  There are constant changes and if you don't keep up it does affect you to a degree.  I stand by this wholeheartedly.  But I have to admit, it felt good not to have to worry about what chef was hired at where, new restaurant openings, recent reviews, which friend has been to the latest hot spot and what specials/attractions were going on in town.  It almost reminded me of the days back when we didn't have the instant access to such news that we have now. When life was actually normal, less hectic.

I am spending a lot more time hanging out with the kids since it's been summer break.  I feel like I am getting to know them in a different light.  They are growing up and changing so fast.  I wish I could pause some moments because before I know it, they won't want to hang out with me anymore.  It's been enlightening.  It's caused me to reflect on what's most important and how I would never trade them for anything else in the world.

I don't know if my giving up social media for a month had any immediate effect on them, but it sure did on me and if that's to count for anything, it will in the long run have a positive influence on them.  It definitely taught me to take breaks.  Reflection is a necessary tool for the soul especially in the fast moving world we live in now.  Realizing that we can live without most material things is a very crucial trait one must carry through hard times.  Those things come and go.  It's the people we love that we can't do without. They are priceless and for that, being reminded of this made the lesson of sans social media so much more worth it.

Hanging out with my fan club at Big Star

when in Paris

I've never been to Paris.  And at the rate I'm going in my life, I most likely never will.  At this point, all I could do is dream and wonder what it'd be like or live through the experiences of others that have been.

The reason this post came about is because two nights ago I dreamt I was living in Paris and it felt so real I had convinced my waking self that I had actually been there.  I remember looking straight up the Eiffel tower and being swooned by its majesty, how grand it stood. I remember the cozy Parisian home I lived in and the roommates that came and went.  I remember feeling free and lost in life and not a thing bothered my soul.  I was content. And for an hour after waking from my wonderful dream, I had sighed in its wonder:  the wonder of Paris.

Two days later and I'm back in the land of reality.  And if there's anything I have taken from my dream experience are two things:  a) I can choose to make my dreams wherever I reside and b) I should lose myself to life in all that surrounds me.  Truth is, I have a lot to be thankful for, but we as humans are always reaching for beyond, for more.

It's like life is a drug and once we become immune to one aspect of it, we look for another piece to impart us a new high.

And not that reaching for bigger and better things isn't a good thing, it's the selfish trance that we fall under that makes us lose the bigger picture, or smaller at that.  For me, it's my kids.  I never imagined being a mother, but fate chose that route for me and I truly believe in doing so, it brought about the most unimaginable gift I have ever known:  unconditional love.

So I may never go to Paris and that's ok.  I will survive.  That's kinda been my motto since my early college years.  I will still have dreams, both asleep and awake.  I will still remember standing next to the Eiffel tower and feeling small, yet alive.  In the grand scheme of things, it's kinda a metaphor for the true meaning of life.  It doesn't matter how small we may feel next to this large world we live in, it only means we have a better view. It's just up to us how we choose to view it.

Take it all in.  Enjoy the whole view.

Look up and be in awe.

My motto in college.  Personalized license plate.

greener grass

I won't deny it, I miss smoking weed, but not enough to partake in the consuming habit it once was.  With a temper on my side, it soothed my mind, helped release tension, and made me write like a rock star.

writer's block

We all need inspiration.  Anyone who denies its need is lying to his/herself.  Inspiration can represent anything, but it's a priceless concoction that moves the soul along.  It may be aiming to fit in a new swim suit after working out for six weeks, a promotion that comes with a raise after that long worked on project has been completed, or a vacation in the future that's way overdue, compliments of your tax return.  As humans, when we know that a pot of gold awaits us at the end of the tunnel, we use that sight down the road to push, ignite and inspire us to work towards "point B."  In my case, inspiration gives me ammunition to write stories that I hope in turn will inspire thought.

the grass isn't always greener on the other side

I know this lesson better than anyone.  I am living through it now.  It amazes me how often I fall flat on my face because I think one change will make a dramatic impact.  "Say it isn't so?"  I bite my lip in hopes it is a bad dream that brought me to my current steps.  Yet it isn't a bad dream, but the realization that writer's block has taken me hostage and truth be told, I've been missing inspiration as a part of my day-to-day.

I have been pondering this for a few days now and my latest dream from last night's slumber brought about an obvious answer.  It doesn't require climbing the gate to get to the other side.  We make our successes by our actions, driven and focused as we project them. This is anyone's ammunition...drive...fire that gets us going.

When we're hungry, we eat.  When we're tired, we sleep.  These are examples of how our energy is fueled.  So I ask you this?  How do you acquire greener grass?  Bingo, you water it.

Find your motivation.  It's out there - sometimes you have to dig for it, but it's there. It's an essential part of how we grow as a person and knowing when you have succeeded makes it all the more glorious.

So what's my current inspiration?  To make everything I touch better.  To treat others nicely.  To smile and laugh every day because it's a "sure cure" that always makes us feel alive.  More amazing than this, it's contagious and if everyone's doing it then inspiration will grow abundantly.

a million pieces

It's funny how when you least suspect it, something in your life happens and you turn around and your past is gone.  When moving forward takes you a few steps further than you're ready for.  When you hear from an old friend who reminds you of something you believed in a long time ago.  When another friend shares some news and it's unexpected.  When a colleague turns evil and you're told to just go with it.

A million pieces.

That was last month.  I can't deny having racked my brain trying to digest it all.  I'm not looking into the glass, I'm inside.  My astrological sign defines me as one who dissects everything I come into contact with because I am constantly struggling with making sense of the world that revolves around me.  I see math problems minus their answers.

I'm over the drama of the industry I work in.  It's life and it's at a cost, so let mine be mine and yours be yours.  We don't need to advertise complications.  I admit that growing up in a Christian home sheltered me from the things I know today, but I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything.  It is within those lessons that I bore a heart - something most people struggle with displaying.  We spend so much time running around, attending meetings, keeping appointments, meeting deadlines, blowing people off because there is never enough time.

Where did all the time go?

For once, I'd like to have a "frankly darling, I don't give a damn" moment and be perfectly cool with it.  So I'm throwing in the towel this month.  Trying my hand in a different view of life.  Maybe instead of incomplete numbers, I should be seeing life as music notes flowing along the day, each tune changing with the scene it brings about.

And I shall write more as I envision these musical notes.  Writing has always been therapeutic for me; it's cheap, goes by my schedule, and enables me to practice writing big words.  This reminds me of the moral of a movie my brother gave me many Christmases ago.  About a girl who merely cared about doing good and never thinking about herself in the interim or getting lost in the drama.  Goodness always rewards itself with goodness - you could never fail in this process.

So there you have it.  Moving forward, my million pieces will represent goodness and music sheets.  It'll play these tunes as the day moves along.  You'll hear the song on the radio that will represent whatever your heart desires at that very moment.  And happiness will soar abound.

And suddenly your heart will feel complete as the song as you make it.

All you have to do is listen and let go.

View life as a music sheet, changing with each scene

Swooned by bacon

Oscar Meyer won me as a child with its cured meat

every Saturday, without fail, I’d devour the treat

Thankful to my dear mother who never cut me off

four perfect strips, crispy edges and center soft

Then I grew and I knew, it would never leave

the love had grown into layers of fat BLTs

Four times two would do, joined by tomato slice

a club of toast, mayo, and lettuce means repeat twice

Well hello, I said to pork belly, its grand name

you’ve grown into this decadent thick cut of game

Who kept you from me, I’ll cut his arm and dispose

honorable fat, slutty meat pieces, goodness composed

Oh bacon how you carried me through heartache and clout

comfort food was named after you, of this there’s no doubt

Forever faithful I’ll be as I bow down on my knees

no food in the world more adorned, never ceases to please

Where there is harmony, people share a common love and wish

every chef lives his childhood through his showcased dish

Bacon Fest Chicago, an example, unlike no other

bringing all together in peace, bacon sisters and brothers

Note:  this was my submission to the Bacon Fest Poetry Contest 2013.  I did not make the semi-final cut, but I'm proud of my own regardless.

Sexy meat turned into...

Sizzling slices...I can smell it now

Who doesn't love this guy?

16 wines, 16 minutes

Last Tuesday was just one of them days.  I arrived at the Union Station about 11:45 a.m. for Gambero Rosso's 2013 Tre Bicchieri tasting and found myself the first in line.  Long story short, I realized it didn't start until 2 p.m. which limited my available time frame.  I became determined.  That is how I ended up trying 16 wines in 16 minutes.

That's power tasting.  Obviously I couldn't take notes but having worked in a Italian restaurant that boasted over 650 wines in two and a half years - all my memories of tasting Italian wines came right back to me.

MARCHE
Gioacchino Garofoli Verdicchio dei Castelli di Jesi Classico Superiore Podium 2010

• Garofoli is the oldest winery in Marche and one I have never tried.  I adore Verdicchio and it hails so deservingly here in this region.  Fresh fruit flavors with an elegant body content, this racy wine is the perfect answer to any season of the year.  This wine can evolve and would make a great addition to any list regardless of its menu.

EMILIA ROMAGNA

Cleto Chiarli Lambrusco di Sorbara del Fondatore 2011

Cleto Chiarli Lambrusco Grasparossa di Castelvetro Vigneto Enrico Cialdini 2011

• Cleto Chiarli is one of my favorite Lambrusco producers.  They represent such great value with an overabundance of flavor.  There are three strands of Lambrusco and two of them are represented here.  The first one was all about its structure while the second one had me dreaming of its aromatics.  I'd happily take either one with me on a picnic where I could lay under the tree and feed myself prosciutto - even in my lonesome.

MARCHE

Velenosi Rosso Piceno Superiore Roggio del Filare 2008

• I was Italian in my past life, but Sangiovese is not my preferred poison.  However, when you blend it in a bottle with Montepulciano, it's as if I am reunited with an old friend.  I'm talking black berries - all of them, introducing themselves one at a time as the wine lingers on my tongue.  I love the wines of Rosso Piceno because they have the ability of being rustic and playful at the same time.

PIEMONTE

Massolino Barolo Vigna Rionda Riserva 2006

• It's not everyday I get the chance to drink Barolo.  In fact, it's been quite a while since I tasted one worth chatting about but having a taste of this one left me speechless.  I tried Massolino for the first time three years ago and was instantly hooked.  From the Serralunga d'Alba sub-region and made in a modern fashion, it's still one I fancy.  I'm all about the nose and the violets leaped so heavenly into my olfactory receptors that I was quite taken back.  Definitely worth aging - gotta get your hands on one for the cellar.  Actually, I should too.

TOSCANA

Tenuta dell'Ornellaia Masseto 2009

• One Wednesday night back in 2007, I was working the floor selling wine like it was nobody's business.  I was opening up stuff I'd never tasted - I was in my glory.  But nothing prepared me for the wine that would turn out to be my epiphany wine.  That wine was the 1994 Masseto.  It was still young for its time, but so amazingly delicious.  It might have been showing well because most Italian fans don't seem to agree with my viewpoint, but it changed me and I will never pass up a chance to try a new vintage.  Made with 100% Merlot grapes, I'm convinced if Miles were here, I think he'd agree it was pretty special.  And if he didn't, all the more for me.

VENETO

Villa Sandi Valdobbiadene Superiore di Cartizze Vigna La Rivetta 2011

• A great stand in, this Prosecco is fresh, with great effervescent and the bottle shape is unique.  Definitely a great product for its price.  After all we're talking bubbles and you could never go wrong there.

LOMBARDIA

Nino Negri Valtellina Sfursat 5 Stelle 2009

• Another new producer on my list of ones I've never tried, the Valtellina Sfursat is damn tasty.  Chiavennasca is the local name for Nebbiolo in Lombardia and Sfursat is a wine made with dried grapes that has been left out to dry naturally in its air for 100 days.  It's as if you could experience the breeze that surrounds its compound as it develops its flavors.  A wine worthy of aging, it's great with braised meals of all sorts.  Sounds comforting, doesn't it?  Well, take it from me - it really is.

SARDEGNA

Agricola Punica Barrua 2009

• That's right, I didn't try the Sassicaia.  I tend to not go for coveted wines, but rather the underdog - if you want to consider the Barrua the underdog because I really don't.  The Punica winery is a joint venture between Tenuta San Guido (Bolgheri, Toscana) and Cantina di Santadi (respectable cooperative in Sardegna).  Consisting of 85 % Carignano (Carignan of France, Cariñena of Spain), 10% Cabernet Sauvignon and 5% Merlot, this is a beautiful wine.  It has class, it has structure and it's terrior driven.  Have always loved the Barrua and it's a great offering to someone who wants boldness without breaking the bank.

LIGURIA

Cantine Lunae Bosoni Colli di Luni Vermentino Etichetta Nera 2011

Cantine Lunae Bosoni Colli di Luni Vermentino Cavagino 2011

• I tried the wines of Lunae at last year's Tre Bicchieri and was blown away, so I knew I didn't want to miss them this year.  The Etichetta Nera is fermented in stainless steel, while 40% of Cavagino is fermented in barriques.  While both wines are very different, they both possess outstanding aromatics, dignified structure and evolving originality in their own right.  I couldn't say I like one more than the other, but I will say this:  will a little bit of age these wines will grow up gracefully.  That's pretty impressive for whites coming from the lesser known region of Liguria.

SICILIA

Planeta Chardonnay 2010

• The Planeta winery possesses six estates, each representing their own territory.  I've never had a white wine from Planeta, let alone a Chardonnay, so when I saw they were featuring one at Tre Bicchieri, I knew I had to try it.  I am a sucker for Italian Chardonnays because they flourish so uniquely from other regions of the world.  In the south, on the island of Sicily, they are over ripe, delightful and voluptuous.  5o% of this wine sees new oak and it doesn't overbear.  The fruits are exotic, the body is textured and the structure is inviting.  You can drink this wine now or keep it for a few years.  However, I recommend if you could find this wine - give it a rest and wait for the future it holds.  I guarantee it will not disappoint.

ALTO ADIGE

Cantina Produttori Colterenzio Sauvignon Prail Praedium 2011

Cantina Produttori Colterenzio Chardonnay Altkirch 2011

• This is, hands down, my favorite region of all Italy.  Not just for its diversity, but also its intricate history and neighboring influences from Germany and Austria.  The Colterenzio is a cooperative that puts forth quality before quantity.  The first wine is a single vineyard offering that is like no other.  Consisting of exotic and citrus fruits, the aromatics on this wine is a cross of springtime and heaven if it ever existed.  The Chardonnay is a cross of tropical fruits and minerality, all stainless steel fermented, its complexity stems from time on its lees.  Both are outstanding representation of northern Italy's great white potential.

ALTO ADIGE

Cantina Tramin Gewürztraminer Nussbaumer 2011

• Traminer is the name for the original vine of what most people know as Gewürztraminer.  The prefix Gewürz meaning "perfumed" lends it credit to the grape's floral and spicy aromatics.  This wine is a perfect representation of the grape.  Its muscat personality combined with ample acidity has earned "three glasses" in the Gambero Rosso wine guide 21 times to date.  That's pretty impressive for a northern white most people don't ever have the chance to indulge in.

CALABRIA

Librandi Magno Megonio 2010

• Maybe you've had Gaglioppo, like Librandi's Duca San Felice Cirò Rosso Classico Superiore Riserva DOC bottling which I sold quite often in the past.  But not many have had the opportunity to try Magliocco.  I wouldn't even know how to quite describe the grape except to say it is most definitely at home to the region of Calabria.  Fermented in stainless steel, it spends just over a year in new French oak and it's stunning.  It's a power wine whose roots can be traced back to Roman times.  Picture this:  old world Malbec marries old world Merlot with ripe black fruits and melted Swiss chocolate.  I'm also thinking a great wine to pair with cheese.  Kinda of reminds me of the sexy high school chemistry teacher whose grey hair and mustache made all the girls swoon.  Wish I could remember his name...

There you have it.  My 16 wines in 16 minutes.  I'll leave you with a picture of my epiphany wine.  Till next time...

Born heartless

I haven't much time, but the need to write this outweighed the need to sleep and I feel the need to express my feelings at thought.

There was once a time, not too long ago, when I wished I was born heartless.  I pondered on how it would feel not to have a care in the world, to shrug off feelings like it was no one's business and to never know how true passion really felt.  This all came about because I realized I knew someone who was born this way and they actually made me think for five minutes my life would fair in my defense if I carried no emotion.

What was I thinking?

What is love without being hurt?  I rather feel pain than not.  I rather take chances, fall on my knees and struggle with unlimited feelings.  If I didn't know this then what would I be - inhuman?

These days I'm angry about lost chances and missed signals, but you know what - it is in all this craziness that I feel alive.  I feel that the person deep down inside feels this way because I care and because I'm not afraid to be expressive and act upon my emotions.

I feel sorry for the one who made me think for a mere five minutes that my life would be better if I acted as they did.  I know the truth lies in my artistic side - the one that allows me to speak through others, for others and share stories.  I love that I do this and even if my stories only touch one person and that person is me then I still accomplished what I set out to do.  I live for my emotions, I live through my emotions and I do these things because I never want to be heartless.

Maybe one day you'll see the million possibilities that exist from wearing your heart on your sleeve and maybe you never will, but as for me - I know passion supersedes me and sets me apart from lifeless bodies that will miss out on life simply because they choose to replace their heart with emptiness.

I prefer to keep my heart full, so just like my belly I feel content and the opportunities that exist for me to shuffle through my true emotions are priceless.

untitled

If there's one thing I've learned repeatedly is that you can't change people unless they want to change themselves.  You can't control the way they will act towards you and you cannot control the outcome of various decisions.  But you can control your own actions and that's just the beginning.

The biggest struggle I come up against daily is the "labeling game".  We all play it.  I am guilty of it myself and I've made a commitment to fight my unconscious inclination to do so.  The way I see it, it sucks being on the side of being labeled.  As a server, it's an addicting way of life.  As a sociology major, I am appalled to have realized that I did so often, but no more.  This nonsense and waste of energy stops now.

It's funny how a negative or absent reaction can change your perception of one person or a personal belief.  I have this thing about following up.  I worked in the corporate sector for a number of years and responding to emails and voice mails is a huge part of this field.  The reality is, you can apply this courtesy in any job or situation.  Quite honestly, nothing bugs me more than when I leave three messages for someone (personal or professional) and they fail to return my call.  My first reaction is disbelief, followed by anger.  Then it's up to me to decide to let it go.  You can't change these people and if they don't properly follow up then it's time to move on.  I could label you as I've done so in the past, but I choose instead to make more of an effort to ensure I always follow up.  It's called taking the negative and turning it into positive reinforcement.

So what is the moral of this blog post?  I'd given it the name "untitled" in honor of my stance from here on out to forgo my habit of labeling.  We are all set in our ways, maybe it has to do with how you fold your socks or how you hold your wine glass or how you respond to your server's greeting (in reference to the lady over the weekend who kept her eyes fixed on the menu the entire time I spoke to her).  For all I know she could have had a horrible week at work or felt intimated by the wine list which caused her and her companion to walk out.  Next time I'll make an extended effort to read such a guest and make the experience feel less pretentious.

I recently wrote a friend to tell her I wrote a blog post regarding a recent conversation we shared in mind.  It began as an inspiration and grew from there.  I was happy with its completion so I thought to share my joy with her.  I received no reply.  It left me stumped, but eventually I got over it.  I believe my post inspired or touched someone else, if not her.  We are owners of our time, moving forward you can decide how to delegate yours.  Don't dwell on past incidents when the present is much more valuable and invites new opportunities to grow.

Whatever is true and noble - think about such things.  If you fill your mind with positive thoughts, the need to label people or fret over uncontrollable situations will leave you.  Life's too short to think of such titles.  Look ahead, turn the corner and take a few steps...I feel confident when I say it will lead you to areas that attract the same mind sets and concerns.  You will find others that will respond and show interest in what you have to say.  Then suddenly this repeated lesson learned won't matter as much and you'll realize you've grown up.

We don't need a world of titles, we need a world that cares.  Make that change.  It'll bring on contagion - and in this day and age, we need it more now then ever.

My true hue

It's been a while since I've realized who I really am.  I thought I knew myself best when I was a stoner, but once I kicked that habit, I realized it was just a masked calm version of a girl who's had nervous energy ever since she was a kid.  I thought I knew myself best when I started drinking more heavily these last five months, mostly alone.  When I thought alcohol was my best friend because all the girlfriends I previously had showed their deepened selfish side and I knew I was done with them for good.  Truth is, alcohol only numbed my pain, the hurt feelings I had been hiding.  So when it rained early this morning and I stood in my driveway, soaking up the drops and feeling as if all had been washed away, I realized only then my true hue was showing through.  I discovered that the only person who could make me happy, is me.  Not substance abuse, not a job I've always wanted, not a friend who's not really a true friend, nope - none of these entities could fill the position.  Only me.

Of course there's arguments to this point.  Most of which are purely subjective.  To name a few, doing yoga again has helped me feel better about myself physically and emotionally.  Eating more raw fruits and vegetables has caused me to feel stronger.  I also cut out coffee and espresso......whoa, that was huge for me and the transition has gone remarkably smooth.  Finally, I cut down on drinking drastically and as a result have developed a new found love for sobriety.  When I got in touch with my inner self, the one hundred percent completely sober person that represents my true hue started peeking out.  I felt as if I won my battle and was on the road to discovering happiness.  The journey will shock me, I have no doubt, but it'll also help me remember how to smile meaningly.

And not cause I'm posing for a picture.

So what is your "true hue" you may ask?  It's when the sense of calmness evolves and you listen to yourself rather than use other particles to filter your feelings.  Let yourself feel what you do, don't repress it, it'll only kill you slowly.  Let go and take control of what you know is truly of you.  You'll hear that voice, you'll remember it from way back and it'll say, "It's good to have you back."  And you'll smile and say, "It's good to be back."

when the thrill is gone

I overheard someone explain to their friend how she compared the faded excitement of her year old job to falling in love only to have the sizzle die.  We've all been there.  However I, for one, am tired of people telling me when things should be rocking as opposed to rolling away or vice versa.  Why does the initial start of anything resort to a day-to-day regime that insinuates the thrill is gone? Why must that be?

Although I was never a daddy's girl, if there's something to be said about my relationship with my father is we are very much alike and we understand each other's artistic side.  He'd tell my mom things about me that he was always able to read and I'd jump back in shock of its validity.  Is it because I show my colors through or because I don't hide behind the lines?  As I remembered a dear friend today, I was reminded of how much I'd go out of my way for her, she whom I lost at a very young age.  She was compassionate beyond reason and she still, to this day, leaves an impression on me whenever I think of the way we should love and not deconstruct.

Don't give up on the grand finale.  Sure, the excitement of "brand new" dies (this is not meant to sound dramatic), but it can coincide with other great things that surface.  I relay this to my love for wine and its existence in its ever-growing community.  I never bore from it.  Every time I learn something new, or watch the look on a guest's face when they are trying a grape variety for the first time, or figure out the difference between day bright and starlight when blind tasting in a room with minimal natural light, or pick up slate over clay or chalk in its nose, or being able to pin point the vintage by its hue and the maturity of its flavor profile.  I get off on this shit and that is why this thrill is not gone for me.  It's called passion.  Once you have it, you can apply it wherever you choose and so desire and that magic you crave will never die.  This is truth.  Make that choice to live for each moment unconditionally and don't ever look back with regret.  It will only age you.