forgetting Sam Marshall...

We all have one Sam, or Sarah that plays us to the core.  That we fell helplessly in love with and who probably never loved us back, at least not the same way we loved them.  Who took advantage of our feelings because we gave them so much, too much...

I got weak at the knees when I first saw Sam from afar.  I knew instantly he was going to mean something to me, I just didn't know what it was at first.  I was young and naive, to say the least.  I wasn't even looking for anyone to like, until he came by and took my world by storm, heavy ones.  I waited anxiously until my work colleague left his side and casually worked up a nerve to introduce myself.  I figured, what did I have to lose.  He was my boss (crazy, I know) and new to the team in a small office job I took up while in my junior year of college.  The good news was I only worked part-time so I didn't see him as much.  I figured this was for the best since chances were, nothing would ever happen while we worked together.  He was a few years older than me, but much more mature than most guys I knew.  We hit it off right away.  He always complimented my work ethics which meant a lot to me.  He had a cute way of letting me know he favored me more than the other girls in the office.  One of my favorite first memories of his flirting with me came when I was making copies in the copy room.  There was a glass partition that separated the room from the cubicles, he surprised me by tapping on the glass to get my attention, once I turned around, he merely flashed his adorable smile.  I was swooned forever...

Shortly thereafter I left the job because my senior year of college commanded a lot more of my time and I couldn't juggle both work and school.  I lost touch with him and it saddened me deeply.  The last time I saw him was on my last day at work and he asked if I wanted to grab a beer after work.  I was torn beyond belief.  I had already made plans with some of my co-workers and I just couldn't blow them off.  It was a decision I pondered on for months after I left.  I know I did the right thing, but I had always wondered what would have happened if we had that beer...

It would be almost one year later before I'd run into him again.  Ironically enough it was at a bar while we were both on the way out.  He saw me first and called my name.  When I turned around and saw him there, my heart was beating so fast.  We chatted for a bit while our friends stood around wondering who the other person was we were talking to.  We exchanged numbers and planned on meeting for coffee at the end of the week.  That week took forever to pass.  When Friday came, I changed three times before settling on just being casual in my favorite t-shirt and jean shorts.  It was a beautiful early summer day...

It was as if time stood still for us.  At least that's how I felt.  He was easy to talk to, but I always sensed a private side to him.  As if he had been hurt deeply before and could never let go of that memory.  From that day on, we were inseparable.  It was a very deep relationship, in ways I had never experienced before...

The relationship lasted for eight months before he turned distantly cold and removed from me.  He claimed a urgent job opportunity was moving him away, but I never understood what happened between us.  I still wonder about it sometimes.  He was the love that I never forgot and that took possession of my heart like no one else ever did...

I wonder how he is from time to time.  I wonder if he ever feels bad for leaving me so abruptly.  It tore me apart and left me angry.  It was as if there no longer existed a validation of our time together.  Sometimes I think the intensity of our connection scared him and that's why he left. Whatever it was, he broke my heart like no other, so much that forgetting Sam Marshall was something that never came easy to me...

Still, having loved Sam taught me to let go of my fear and that love isn't hopeless.  That trusting in your own emotions does make you vulnerable, but that's how you feel alive. That taking chances with love comes with a new experience that will never be repeated. That in order to make yourself stronger, you have to learn to let go, so the next time you fall in love, you'll be wiser, and you'll understand a true sense of love, as it should exist between two people.  With admiration, passion and true willingness...

when in Paris

I've never been to Paris.  And at the rate I'm going in my life, I most likely never will.  At this point, all I could do is dream and wonder what it'd be like or live through the experiences of others that have been.

The reason this post came about is because two nights ago I dreamt I was living in Paris and it felt so real I had convinced my waking self that I had actually been there.  I remember looking straight up the Eiffel tower and being swooned by its majesty, how grand it stood. I remember the cozy Parisian home I lived in and the roommates that came and went.  I remember feeling free and lost in life and not a thing bothered my soul.  I was content. And for an hour after waking from my wonderful dream, I had sighed in its wonder:  the wonder of Paris.

Two days later and I'm back in the land of reality.  And if there's anything I have taken from my dream experience are two things:  a) I can choose to make my dreams wherever I reside and b) I should lose myself to life in all that surrounds me.  Truth is, I have a lot to be thankful for, but we as humans are always reaching for beyond, for more.

It's like life is a drug and once we become immune to one aspect of it, we look for another piece to impart us a new high.

And not that reaching for bigger and better things isn't a good thing, it's the selfish trance that we fall under that makes us lose the bigger picture, or smaller at that.  For me, it's my kids.  I never imagined being a mother, but fate chose that route for me and I truly believe in doing so, it brought about the most unimaginable gift I have ever known:  unconditional love.

So I may never go to Paris and that's ok.  I will survive.  That's kinda been my motto since my early college years.  I will still have dreams, both asleep and awake.  I will still remember standing next to the Eiffel tower and feeling small, yet alive.  In the grand scheme of things, it's kinda a metaphor for the true meaning of life.  It doesn't matter how small we may feel next to this large world we live in, it only means we have a better view. It's just up to us how we choose to view it.

Take it all in.  Enjoy the whole view.

Look up and be in awe.

My motto in college.  Personalized license plate.