Thursday, July 19, 2012

My true hue

It's been a while since I've realized who I really am.  I thought I knew myself best when I was a stoner, but once I kicked that habit, I realized it was just a masked calm version of a girl who's had nervous energy ever since she was a kid.  I thought I knew myself best when I started drinking more heavily these last five months, mostly alone.  When I thought alcohol was my best friend because all the girlfriends I previously had showed their deepened selfish side and I knew I was done with them for good.  Truth is, alcohol only numbed my pain, the hurt feelings I had been hiding.  So when it rained early this morning and I stood in my driveway, soaking up the drops and feeling as if all had been washed away, I realized only then my true hue was showing through.  I discovered that the only person who could make me happy, is me.  Not substance abuse, not a job I've always wanted, not a friend who's not really a true friend, nope - none of these entities could fill the position.  Only me.

Of course there's arguments to this point.  Most of which are purely subjective.  To name a few, doing yoga again has helped me feel better about myself physically and emotionally.  Eating more raw fruits and vegetables has caused me to feel stronger.  I also cut out coffee and espresso......whoa, that was huge for me and the transition has gone remarkably smooth.  Finally, I cut down on drinking drastically and as a result have developed a new found love for sobriety.  When I got in touch with my inner self, the one hundred percent completely sober person that represents my true hue started peeking out.  I felt as if I won my battle and was on the road to discovering happiness.  The journey will shock me, I have no doubt, but it'll also help me remember how to smile meaningly.

And not cause I'm posing for a picture.

So what is your "true hue" you may ask?  It's when the sense of calmness evolves and you listen to yourself rather than use other particles to filter your feelings.  Let yourself feel what you do, don't repress it, it'll only kill you slowly.  Let go and take control of what you know is truly of you.  You'll hear that voice, you'll remember it from way back and it'll say, "It's good to have you back."  And you'll smile and say, "It's good to be back."

1 comment:

  1. really great. im inspired to try the same route. it must be hard but it seems like its totally working for you! congrats