Tuesday, July 30, 2013

forgetting Sam Marshall...

We all have one Sam, or Sarah that plays us to the core.  That we fell helplessly in love with and who probably never loved us back, at least not the same way we loved them.  Who took advantage of our feelings because we gave them so much, too much...

I got weak at the knees when I first saw Sam from afar.  I knew instantly he was going to mean something to me, I just didn't know what it was at first.  I was young and naive, to say the least.  I wasn't even looking for anyone to like, until he came by and took my world by storm, heavy ones.  I waited anxiously until my work colleague left his side and casually worked up a nerve to introduce myself.  I figured, what did I have to lose.  He was my boss (crazy, I know) and new to the team in a small office job I took up while in my junior year of college.  The good news was I only worked part-time so I didn't see him as much.  I figured this was for the best since chances were, nothing would ever happen while we worked together.  He was a few years older than me, but much more mature than most guys I knew.  We hit it off right away.  He always complimented my work ethics which meant a lot to me.  He had a cute way of letting me know he favored me more than the other girls in the office.  One of my favorite first memories of his flirting with me came when I was making copies in the copy room.  There was a glass partition that separated the room from the cubicles, he surprised me by tapping on the glass to get my attention, once I turned around, he merely flashed his adorable smile.  I was swooned forever...

Shortly thereafter I left the job because my senior year of college commanded a lot more of my time and I couldn't juggle both work and school.  I lost touch with him and it saddened me deeply.  The last time I saw him was on my last day at work and he asked if I wanted to grab a beer after work.  I was torn beyond belief.  I had already made plans with some of my co-workers and I just couldn't blow them off.  It was a decision I pondered on for months after I left.  I know I did the right thing, but I had always wondered what would have happened if we had that beer...

It would be almost one year later before I'd run into him again.  Ironically enough it was at a bar while we were both on the way out.  He saw me first and called my name.  When I turned around and saw him there, my heart was beating so fast.  We chatted for a bit while our friends stood around wondering who the other person was we were talking to.  We exchanged numbers and planned on meeting for coffee at the end of the week.  That week took forever to pass.  When Friday came, I changed three times before settling on just being casual in my favorite t-shirt and jean shorts.  It was a beautiful early summer day...

It was as if time stood still for us.  At least that's how I felt.  He was easy to talk to, but I always sensed a private side to him.  As if he had been hurt deeply before and could never let go of that memory.  From that day on, we were inseparable.  It was a very deep relationship, in ways I had never experienced before...

The relationship lasted for eight months before he turned distantly cold and removed from me.  He claimed a urgent job opportunity was moving him away, but I never understood what happened between us.  I still wonder about it sometimes.  He was the love that I never forgot and that took possession of my heart like no one else ever did...

I wonder how he is from time to time.  I wonder if he ever feels bad for leaving me so abruptly.  It tore me apart and left me angry.  It was as if there no longer existed a validation of our time together.  Sometimes I think the intensity of our connection scared him and that's why he left. Whatever it was, he broke my heart like no other, so much that forgetting Sam Marshall was something that never came easy to me...

Still, having loved Sam taught me to let go of my fear and that love isn't hopeless.  That trusting in your own emotions does make you vulnerable, but that's how you feel alive. That taking chances with love comes with a new experience that will never be repeated. That in order to make yourself stronger, you have to learn to let go, so the next time you fall in love, you'll be wiser, and you'll understand a true sense of love, as it should exist between two people.  With admiration, passion and true willingness...




Monday, July 22, 2013

Sans social media

Last Christmas my parents got both of my children the Nook reading tablet.  I suggested it mainly for my daughter as she is an avid reader, but according to their old school ways of parenting, they couldn't get one for her and not my son.  Seven months later that reading tablet has turned into a technology friendlier way for them to communicate with their friends through a free texting app called Text Now (they don't own cell phones, yet all of their friends do - sign of suburbia living).

Prior to their acquiring the Nook, my kids would always complain that I spent too much time on my own apps, specifically Twitter and Instagram and would often question who I loved more:  social media or them.  Of course I always answered the latter, but now that they've busied themselves with the lure of apps that are available on their reading tablet, I felt it most important to take this point further by setting an example.  So on June 13, I made a vow to them that I wouldn't access my social media accounts for a month.  To resist the urge to pop in, I even went as far as to delete them from my phone.  Yes folks, I went cold turkey.

At first it felt strange, especially working in the restaurant industry, it's extremely beneficial when you know what's going on in the hospitality world.  There are constant changes and if you don't keep up it does affect you to a degree.  I stand by this wholeheartedly.  But I have to admit, it felt good not to have to worry about what chef was hired at where, new restaurant openings, recent reviews, which friend has been to the latest hot spot and what specials/attractions were going on in town.  It almost reminded me of the days back when we didn't have the instant access to such news that we have now. When life was actually normal, less hectic.

I am spending a lot more time hanging out with the kids since it's been summer break.  I feel like I am getting to know them in a different light.  They are growing up and changing so fast.  I wish I could pause some moments because before I know it, they won't want to hang out with me anymore.  It's been enlightening.  It's caused me to reflect on what's most important and how I would never trade them for anything else in the world.

I don't know if my giving up social media for a month had any immediate effect on them, but it sure did on me and if that's to count for anything, it will in the long run have a positive influence on them.  It definitely taught me to take breaks.  Reflection is a necessary tool for the soul especially in the fast moving world we live in now.  Realizing that we can live without most material things is a very crucial trait one must carry through hard times.  Those things come and go.  It's the people we love that we can't do without. They are priceless and for that, being reminded of this made the lesson of sans social media so much more worth it.



Hanging out with my fan club at Big Star