Identity crisis

Nothing prepared me for the changes that came over me when I gave birth to my first child.  I was still considered a newlywed, with that being said, I had a multitude of whirlwinds surrounding me - all at once.  To be quite honest, the emotional overtaking of becoming a mother took precedence over being a first time wife and I lost myself to "mommy land".  Then followed the birth of my second child, two years later.  Both pregnancies not planned, yet still warmly welcomed, I became even more engrossed with my role as a parent.  I felt an undying need to be everything I could be to my children and there was nothing that would stop me.  Fast forward three years later and I learned something new that would eventually change my life dramatically as well.  This is when an identity crisis took over.

I started a new venture that I was very excited to be a part of.  An opening of a new restaurant that showcased so much opportunity and at one time, carried through with such promises.  This is when I discovered my passion in wine and I was going to do my best to get my career path going in this direction.  Life was good, or so I thought.  The recession had slowly began its course.  Suddenly a need for a sommelier wasn't going to come easy, especially to a young mother of two children who would be up against the most competitive group of professionals in Chicago of all places.  Go figure.

The business of wine is a tricky one, for many reasons.  Most of whom I meet are either single, married without children, or began having children after they had established themselves in the industry. And here's me - one exam away from my certification, living in the suburbs, with more financial responsibilities than I could handle sometimes and not as aggressive as some folks I've met. Um, somehow I think my chances of being in the world of wine are not as golden as I prefer. On top of this, I experience identity crisis in every shape and form, each day.  Who am I?  Am I a mother first, or a career woman?  Which matters more?  Can one exist with the other? How do people see me?  Will they take me seriously once they learn I have children?  And finally, why should it matter? I believe I can be both - it's happened before.  Many women go back to school after having children, maybe they chose to change careers or because they never finished.  In the end, it's all the same.  I rival with the worldly of competitors - some more vicious than others.  Back stabbers that I once considered friends - how did it all come down to this?  And who am I again?

I love my children deeply.  They are everything I wanted and for everything I didn't expect - they fascinate me beyond anything I'd ever imagined.  I learn everything all over again through their eyes - and the second chance for this is quite enlightening.  And, I love wine. It proposes me with questions I never knew existed.  It helps me understand geography in multiple layers by immersing myself into the science of terrior.  Honestly, it's the learning that fascinates me more than drinking it.  Of course, I still consume it.  In conclusion - there is no reason why I can't have both.  This identity crisis is definitely an undertaking, but such challenges bring on perseverance and if anyone ever dares ask me if I am a mother first, to this I will reply, "I am always a mother.  This is not only my duty, but my desire to do so.  I am also an advocate for wine.  I desire its existence because it drives my brain to crank in ways I didn't know could move.  Just because I can't dine out as often as those who do, doesn't make it less possible for me to continue.  If I give up, what message does that convey to my children?  I am dreamer and one who chases dreams.  If I don't properly teach my children to do the same then I fail to be an example of one who lives, rather than one who just is."

I guess I have answered my questions.  My children, they tease me. They often ask if I love wine more than them.  They know the answer because it shows.  In the end, I will feel content knowing I tried. Whether I succeed the way I desire, does not matter as much as my drive.  One day, they will see this.  And they will be proud their mother gave everything to be what they deserve in me.

I wish

I wish we all just lived
without worrying about being pretentious
I wish we all got along
without pushing others to the side
take the time to look around
and watch the world move around you
it gives you a perspective
that is greatly lost in technology
we are too in tune to our apps
and not in tune to reality
I am guilty of this as much
and too damn addicted to it
I force myself to look out the window
see people how they really are
we're all the same with different names
different opinions, and different views
that's quite perfectly alright
these differences make life more interesting
the cyber drug as we know it
has taken away the magic behind writing letters
I promise to write more
as I am writing now, as I will again
I will let my mind go
move slowly and take it all in
after all, we all owe it to ourselves
to not miss a single moment of our lives
money isn't going anywhere
and I mean this literally
if I feel trapped, I walk away
I lose myself to the simple things
I refuse to lose the pricelessness of life
it is within its moment, all along
take hold tight and breathe
it's gonna be alright, you'll see
all you must do
is wish along with me

Breaking up with me

It sounds silly, but it really isn't.  We all, at one time, have to admit, we put more on our shoulders than we should.  We take on more tasks, make more promises and commit to more than we are physically and emotionally able to - and it's our own fault.  That is why I decided to end the relationship with the side of me that didn't know how to say "no".


I'm done with the sacrifices or the going out of my way for friends that do not return the same sentiment.  It's just not gonna happen anymore.  I majored in Sociology and I truly get the effects of recession, but it's gone past the point of repair.  We have been suffering trials and challenges unlike any we've had before, and it's been happening for over a solid three years.  As a result, we are in an age when it is imperative that we make careful decisions.  But what has occurred and continues to is the acceptability of selfishness more than I have ever encountered and frankly, it saddens me.


I lost my best friend this summer over a child disciplinary matter.  It's dumb, but I chose to stand my ground as I believed she attempted to bully me into giving up who I really am.  I don't have to answer to her or anyone else for that matter.  What I do believe in, is respect and kindness.  These values don't come easy anymore and as a result, I struggle with instilling this into my children everyday.  There was a random act of kindness the other day that my daughter brought to my attention.  She said, "Mom, that was so nice of that lady."  The tone in her voice indicated that things like this don't happen often.  It made me sad to think I am raising two kids that are more used to rude occurrences than politeness.


That's why I am letting go of that person inside who doesn't want to get hurt or disappointed anymore.  I understand everyone is busy, but so am I and if I take the time to show I care then I do.  If you don't feel the same then it's time to go our separate ways.


I tweeted yesterday that thanks to a particular someone, I am getting myself back.  I am referring to the fact that I continually remind myself, that regardless of the outcome - there are always powerful messages to be learned.  This is a stepping stone for me.  I am becoming stronger, I am learning who to trust and how to trust others.  I am learning to not be afraid and that it's okay to have fears sometimes.  Everyone we meet represents something in our life that slowly envelops into who we are and what we're all about.


For the record, I do miss my best friend sometimes.  We had a lot in common and it was hard to let go of our obvious connections.  I wish her well always, but sometimes life means letting go.  It feels good to let go and it is a necessary part of our lives.  So I bid farewell to her, to my "can't say no" side and the old me - who's learning everyday what means the most and how to let those things and people know how much.

sideway thoughts

slam. the door - taken by surprise, it opened wide then quickly closed with fear
let's make this clear, no - i choose to erase it, i don't want it to ever be near
i took a different view by tilting my head, i grew tiresome - leaving its thoughts behind
in reality, i was fined.  there are losers, mine a result of something i'll never find

there will be days when I falter, then turn blind, and the chalk residue is all i'll have
neither friend or foe can fill my showtime shoes, merely they'll conceive it a fad
no substance can cure this bout of ill chemistry, whatever it was, it was never true
i look upon the blackboard, empty and without words, it was all i knew i could do

i'm done wasting time, without much as a dime, to show for the time i invested
the mystery lies in another frame, troubled.  time to crawl out of this hole i have nested
when i soar, which i will, i will conquer.  there will be crossing guards there beside me
i tilt my head once more, eyes sans sore.  it will dissipate, the clouds, and leave it be

Reason #12

Last Friday night, I waited on an elderly couple who was celebrating their wedding anniversary.  I thanked them for choosing our restaurant to celebrate such a joyous occasion with.  They each began with a cocktail before I went over the menu with them.  When I came back after my spiel, they both agreed to do the tasting menu.  I was elated, not because of what they ordered, but because I knew I was going to give them the best experience ever.


This is a perfect example of what I love about the restaurant industry.  Each and every table has a story.  It's an opportunity to meet guests, engage with them, suggest dishes, pour their wine, correspond with them to the point that you develop a temporary relationship that can sometimes leave a mark on you.  Whether it be the distant traveler from somewhere you've always wanted to visit, or the young couple who's new to the area, good friends catching up, families who always dine together - as servers we learn to read our tables.  We know when to talk and how much.  We understand the signs our guests exhibit, as unclear as they may be sometimes.  In the end, no two tables are ever really alike.


Sure you have your regulars, that's the part of business that guarantees the revenue.  For me, however, the first time guests who come and based on their satisfying experiences, tell others about it, are the most challenging tables and the ones I fancy the most.  It's a constant learning cycle, and it wakens the various personalities that each server possesses, and gives them the chance to express everything necessary to accommodate the table's needs and deliver the best service based on their judgement of the table.  No other job has similar connections, not on an average of 90 minutes.


I truly enjoy serving.  I think it's crazy half the time, but it allows me to talk about two things that are very dear to me:  food and wine.  I grew up eating and licking my plate - I was a "seconds, please" girl for a long time.  As I grew older - my developing interest in wine brought me to a place that exposed me to wine at great lengths and for that, I am ever grateful.  It is only through serving that I can talk with others about my passion for both things.  It's reason #12 why I love what I do.

hidden chances

coming up with a rhyme
when I don't have time
ticking at the minutes
as the moments finish
how critical this chance
as I sit in this trance
the roads pass me silently
thoughts fly violently
afraid to peek in and try
my mind feeding me lies
yesterday gone to the vault
no one but me at fault
time to bust out the soul
buried under brick coals
good news is they're warm
intact and all in its form
handle with care gently
don't falter this crime
I haven't got the time
it's not too late to try
take a breathe, go far and never look back

Treading waters

I landed on a cloud

slipping fingers, silky waves

my mind wanders, where did I fall from

what steps lay ahead, abound

will be I found

troubled

I flipped through the pages, act two

A pen-filled book and I, alone

a vacant room, what to assume

I search for answers, attention span trails

all that surround me

blank walls exist

confused

Final debut, an empty stage

New ballet pointe shoes, perfectly tied

A constant passing dream, unfolding slowly

I complete my set by memory

foolishly, reality evolves around me

Treading waters suddenly

breathless